When you try and try and hope and pray and try for something for so long, you have this beautiful picture of how it is all going to play out when it does happen. I had this picture of seeing those two lines, jumping up and down, and crying tears of joy. None of that happened. I wanted to surprise my husband, my family, my friends. None of that happened.
I’m here to say fuck that picture in your head, none of that is going to happen. Nothing goes as planned.
I’m sure I said in it one of my previous posts because I have said it countless times, “the next time I get pregnant I won’t tell anyone until after 12 weeks”.
I lied, that’s bullshit.
I couldn’t keep this pregnancy a secret! No way! I’ve wanted this for too damn long to keep it a secret. I want the people in my life to be on this journey with me, no matter what happens. They have been by my side through the ups and downs so far, they deserve to a piece of this joy.
The best part of this pregnancy has been telling other people, and seeing their excitement. Because I still have not found my tears of joy or jumping up and down.
Am I excited? Uhh yeah, duh.
But its not that easy.
I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks (I really wouldn’t wish that on anyone). Every trip to the bathroom after that was scary. I was convinced that I would be bleeding and that this dream would turn into a nightmare.
I did spot. A few times. People would tell me “Its normal to spot in the first trimester” Yeah well you know what? The last time I spotted in the first trimester it ended with me hearing the words “there is no heartbeat”. So that is what is “normal” for me. Every sign of blood led me into a panic. Just when I would allow myself to feel a little bit of excitement, I would start to spot. I would get kicked back down to that place of fear. Reminded that this can be taken away at any moment.
Its been a long 8 weeks living in that scary place. I know hitting 12 weeks doesn’t mean that anything is a guarantee. However, my wish has finally come true. My little miracle is here and its time that I believe that and start enjoying it. So that is what I am going to do, damnit.